I am more likely to die by suicide now than I was five years ago.
Why? Because when my husband, Steve, took his own life without warning in 2018, I became significantly more susceptible to this horrifying end too.
The facts are clear: people bereaved by the sudden death of a friend or family member are 65% more likely to attempt to take their own life if their loved one died by suicide than if they died by natural causes.
Studies into this topic demonstrate the dangerous impact of loss by suicide and the acute vulnerability of those of us left behind. There are other groups in society whose risk of suicide is heightened too, like our medical and healthcare professions, where the rates of death by suicide are disproportionate when compared to the general population.
Clearly concerning, this is not a fate I intend to roll over and accept.
I’m not going to lie though. The first couple of years after my husband’s death were tough and I spent a long while loitering at rock bottom until I gave myself a good talking to. I’ve since become heavily focused on looking after myself and taking good care of my children too.
Here are three things that helped me, I’d recommend trying them if you’re struggling:
Keep your energy balance topped up
After Steve died I was constantly exhausted and I took some much-needed advice from a therapist which came in the form of an excellent metaphor. She suggested I picture my energy as a bank account, with debits that drain me and credits that revive me.
Think of your own energy as a bank account and picture the statement. Try applying an imaginary value to each of the credits and debits; a half hour walk, twenty minutes with a good book, a funny movie or a coffee with a friend could bank you thirty credits; a stressful meeting or a frantic school run might cost you twenty.
As a busy working mum, it’s hard to seek out those credits but, without getting too uptight about it, I now keep a close eye on my ‘balance’, anticipating costs to my bottom line and planning top ups when they’re likely to be needed to lift my mood and help me to feel calm and centred.
Become the DJ of your own thoughts
Loss by suicide is like grief with a microphone. When Steve died my feelings became deafening. These amplified emotions started mixing with some of my past troubles and the result was a noisy, tangled tune that was offending my ears and hurting my heart.
As well as managing all the practical stuff and dealing with the grief of my two girls, I was struggling to untangle this noise in my mind that I was constantly dwelling on. I thought back to a book I’d read called ‘Soundtracks’ by Jon Acuff.
I liked the idea that when our minds are full of broken soundtracks that we ruminate over, the solution is to become the DJ of our own thoughts by playing better tunes. When I started overthinking, I had to challenge myself by reflecting on some questions:
– Is this worry true? Do I know it to be fact?
– Is it helpful? Is it kind?
– Is it aiding my recovery or holding me back?
These questions have really helped me to reassess my thinking, be a little gentler with myself, and play some better tracks that have lifted me when I’ve really needed it.
Have a pizza in a paddling pool
The day I suddenly became a single mum I vowed to do everything I could to keep my young children safe, happy, healthy and fulfilled. I didn’t want them lacking in anything because of Steve’s death. Yet I often felt like I was ‘failing’ as their one and only parent.
I started to realise I was being unfair on myself in my quest to be the model mother, and nobody was winning in this game… It was impossible to achieve that perfect day – with plenty of vegetables, homework nailed, tidy rooms, the obligatory twenty minutes of educational reading and civilised bedtimes.
Setting ourselves high standards can be a good thing, but striving for perfection can leave us falling short of our own unreasonable expectations. Instead, I reframed the idea of a ‘perfect day’ and enabled myself to relax the rules and shun society’s expectations. And we found that the occasional pizza in the paddling pool was far more fun than a sensible dinner anyway!
In conclusion
Suicide is not a foregone conclusion for anyone, no matter what our experiences and circumstances may be. This World Suicide Prevention Day, join me in changing the narrative, and start the conversation about your own selfcare stories that could present a fresh new chapter for someone else’s journey to continue.