In February 2021, I started Neurology Specialty Training in London after having had almost two years out from clinical practice. My son was 2 years old at the time and my husband was a Cardiology trainee. Just one month in, I began to struggle — silently.
I ignored the signs: the panic, the palpitations, the breathlessness, and the urge to constantly run away. I felt panicked when I had to perform under pressure, even something as simple as answering a question in front of a colleague; my mind would just go blank. Each day got harder. I’d cry every evening, dread the next morning, have daily panic attacks, and not be able to sleep. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
I kept asking myself: Why can’t I cope? Why am I so incapable and incompetent?
I felt like such a failure, and I could not see a way out. In my mind, I had to carry on no matter what, but at the same time, I could not face another day of feeling like this. I thought the only way out was to end my life. It is frightening to look back and think how serious and intrusive these thoughts had become.
As doctors, we often feel the pressure to be perfect and never ask for help. It took a lot of courage for me to take time off, see my GP, and seek counselling & CBT. Almost 3 years later, I’m back in training, after having taken time off. I still live with anxiety and depression, and I have good days and bad. However, I’ve learned to ask for help from my friends and colleagues when I need it and prioritise my wellbeing. There is no shame in asking for help, and it is OK to not be OK all the time. Yes, we are doctors, and we do need to be strong, but we are also human.