By Deep Sirur, Psychiatrist and Doctors in Distress Ambassador.
There is a certain irony about World Suicide Prevention Day, which falls on September 10th, as it is also the date that eight years ago, I attempted suicide and turned my already topsy turvy existence upside down. Instead of writing today, I would have been mourned as a statistic – one of the many who now has a tree planted in their memory all over the country.
Like many doctors, I didn’t realise I needed help. I used to self-medicate my undiagnosed depressive disorder with alcohol. Outwardly things were better than fine. I had two properties, a happy marriage, an heir and a spare both in private education. I was progressing in medical management, subbing for the medical director as required, and we had just won our second successful tender in substance misuse services.
But inside was a different story. Emptiness, monotony, dragging myself through each day to not wake up the next morning – until the time and place presented itself that I took matters into my own hands and chose my time to go. This was not for selfishness but in my skewed thinking at the time, as a selfless act to protect my family from further suffering.
So what changed after my suicide attempt?
1) I was lucky- I survived when many do not
2) I embraced the help and did what I was asked to do- and continue to do so when restrictions lifted,
3) I used restrictions and conditions as a support mechanism to help me retain my work and give my employers and the public assurances that things were safe, not as a punishment.
4) I treated myself with compassion- I was an ill doctor not a BAD doctor who was weak.
5) I don’t carry my illnesses as a badge of shame, I wear them with honour as a sign of my resilience
And life now?
It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, but whose life is? But it is measured, it’s manageable, and I have worked out what the real priorities are. Most importantly, I do not want to hide in the shadows and avoid controversy when hard things need to be challenged. I want to own the narrative. Stigma continues to be a ghost that haunts those in recovery/recovered from mental illness and particularly problems with addiction disorders. I look forward to the time when those returning from extended ill health absences from conditions like alcohol, drug and behavioural addictions are treated with the same compassion as someone who has battled cancer or returned to work after a cardiovascular event.
If you are going through difficulties, it is counterintuitive to reach out for help but I encourage you to do so before it gets too late, before regulators become involved, before the ‘ifs’ and ‘yets’ happen and most importantly before your illnesses take you to a place where you are reliant on pure luck to offer you that second chance.
• If you are a healthcare worker in need of emotional support, you can attend our free, confidential Weekly Support Groups Doctors in Distress Events – 3 Upcoming Activities and Tickets | Eventbrite or visit our information page for other sources of help. Information & Resources – Doctors in Distress
• To hear more from Deep, check out this webinar: Addiction, the GMC, and Me: Surviving and rebuilding a successful medical career – Dr1in4 Webinar